11 steps to get over heartbreak
Stop Following Them on Social Media - After a break-up you both are most likely going through a range of emotions: hate, sadness, relief etc. Nevertheless, not all those emotions will be made public on social media. As you both are trying to get over each other you want to portray a strong, unfazed image, leading to an over joyous and unreal portrayal of your ”grief” period. It’s like a game of who looks least bothered. By continuing to follow them, you play into this game. You let them control the image you have of them post break-up. So don’t, stop allowing them into your space and rather let your imagination run free on how they’re doing, or better yet imagine they’re doing terribly and losing you was the biggest mistake of their life.
Remove Them From Your Followers - As mentioned above, there is a game afoot on social media between you two. Do not kid yourself into thinking you do not care how they see you after the break-up, you care. But this care isn’t healthy, you shouldn’t spend time obsessing over whether or not they’ve seen your story at the club and gotten jealous. As long as you play this game, you are playing yourself. You are not doing the real work and letting them go. So let them go; remove them from your life and start figuring out what to do next.
(Then again, I am yet to follow this step through in every break-up. Sometimes you just really want to be petty, I am only human. After a while you forget they even follow you so this step becomes obsolete)
Remove All Traces of Them - That teddybear they got you on valentines? Gone. The shirt they told you you could keep? Gone. The painting they bought you because it reminded them of you? Gone. There are many ways you can get rid of all this stuff. A week after my last break-up I texted him and told him I would be dropping his shit to his workplace and hoped he would do the same to mine. I packed every single item I had reminding me of him and left them there, and a week later I went and got the things he had left for me — no interaction, no other exchange besides the location of the stuff. Giving the stuff back hurt, because it was the first concrete step of letting go, but it was also very freeing. I eradicated any memory of him from my house, and began to build my cocoon of happiness with things that had no bad memories attached to them. If you would like a more therapeutic and radical way of getting rid of the stuff, I suggest burning it. There is nothing more therapeutic after someone has done you wrong than watching the flames devour their shit while sipping a glass of wine and crying your eyes out (insert angel face emoji).
Get Wild - There will be a time to be alone — a time to ponder and collect yourself — but first before any of this get fucking wild. Dance in your underwear on the kitchen table. Kiss 10 people during one night. Send risky DMs at 4am. Take a bath while smoking cigarettes and drinking red wine. Revel in the pain, do everything they do in the movies. Allow yourself to hit rock bottom. Take a week or so of just having fun, postpone the real work just a bit, create some memories. I would advise not fucking anyone — when you have sex you create a deeper connection and you outht to take a break from those at this point. You do not want to use someone as a plaster as it will only complicate the healing process. After a week of going down the rabbit hole:
Take Time Alone - This will be difficult. Every cell in your body is aching to have someone to cuddle up to and pretend with. You would rather run around the clubs than sit alone with your pain. Sadly, as long as you do not sit with it, it will never be fully gone. You might skip the heartbreak this time but believe me it’s coming and it’s only building up. Take time to cry. Get into your pyjamas, watch Love Actually and let the floodgates open wide. Sit with all this pain and stare at it straight into the eye. Ask yourself where it is coming from? What is really hurting you? Is it that you lost them, or that you can’t stand to be alone? If it’s the latter — which it most likely is if you’re in your twenties and still figuring shit out — start reintroducing yourself to you again. Find the things you enjoy doing alone. Remind yourself that you are the only person who will stick with you from birth to death, so you might as well get to know each other and enjoy the company.
Be Busy - So you took some time alone, I bet you feel like shit still. In the midst of taking time alone and staring at the ceiling, don’t fully exclude yourself from the world. Start a new hobby, meet old friends, anything to prove to yourself that there is still life after all this. Do not try to avoid your melancholy, but also don’t create an empty space for it. Plan nice stuff to do, get out of the house.
Do Not Go Down the Memory Lane - It might seem lonely, but never fall into the trap that is going through old photos or texts. Time has sweetened the memories you have of them. Rehashing all that will just hurt you. It might make you feel like you have made the wrong decision in breaking up, it might leave you with “what if” questions. Why open the door for that? When you see yourself blissfully smiling with them in photos it 100% will feel like someone is stabbing your heart. Do you really want to stab your heart?
Lean on People - In our western individualistic culture we are programmed to try and get through tough things alone. Unprogramme yourself. I recently made the radical choice of speaking when I had something to say, and making it the listener’s responsibility to tell me if they weren’t interested or if they lacked the emotional capacity at that moment to listen. I would not edit myself beforehand. When I was going through tough emotions I would not hide the impact it had on my mental state. I fully leaned on my support network when I needed to. Say things like “I need someone to talk to” or “I need help” out loud. It will surprise you how much support is out there once you ask for it.
Get Yourself Something Nice - Whether it’s a nice dinner, a museum pass or a fragrance: get it. Maybe you want to dye your hair and get a new tattoo. Whatever it is that will make you feel confident: go for it. Prove to yourself you can be the one to treat yourself. You can take care of yourself. Whenever I go through a break up I make it a habit to cook myself an elaborate dinner. The type of dinner I would have cooked for my lover. This way I prove to myself I am also worthy of the effort.
Reflect and Remember - Instead of blaming yourself for everything, try and reflect why things had to come to and end. Especially a while after the break up you might notice craving back to the relationship and can’t seem to remember why you ever broke up in the first place. Take a moment here to remind yourself about everything that was lacking in the relationship, then write them down. You are in a vulnerable position here — alone and craving for the good old times — so in order to fight that, take this listing as a self-preservation exercise: be overly negative and hateful even. Make your damn sad lonely heart realize this is not the way to happiness. Making a compromise and going back to a broken relationship will not help you in the long run. Every time you start yearning back, look at this list and slap yourself awake.
Get Over It - There comes a point where you have to make the conscious decision of letting go, fully. Wallowing in sorrow might have that bittersweet pleasure to it, nevertheless at some point you have to stand up and start moving on. And I kid you not, it is a choice. The only thing stopping you from letting go is yourself, because letting go means it really is over. So whenever you get tired of all the pain: just let go. Move on.
